Unsung Heroes

Well, dad beat his cancer. Again.
He’s beat stage four cancer twice, when most people don’t even beat it once. I’m really hoping that cancer is scared of him now, and there won’t be a round three. However, my dad is not the star of my blog today.

At my dad’s request, let’s talk about my mom. We sat down and he talked to me about my mom’s hardships in the last six months, and asked me to write about them. So I’m a little nervous…I hope that I can adequately express what dad feels. Because we agree that my mom is the unsung hero in all of this.

I considered starting this sentence talking about chronic illnesses, but is cancer -just- a chronic illness? I have a chronic illness. I’m here to tell you that “chronic illness” does NOT even remotely compare to what my dad has gone through with this bout of cancer. Cancer is not only a chronic illness, in my opinion. It is absolutely a catastrophic chronic illness. It has the potential of being orders of magnitude worse than many chronic illnesses. It nearly took my dad, even after he beat the cancer. He’s still trying to recover from the treatments that also almost killed him. He’s been in the hospital six times in the last nine months, and even his oncologist thought we were losing him at one point. He’s lost around 85 pounds and uses a wheelchair on the few days he can get around. His intestines seem to randomly want to twist themselves in knots. It puts dad in a ton of pain, an ambulance takes him to the hospital and he gets his digestive system drained by a tube up his nose and down his throat. He loses weight, gets weaker. Lather, rinse, repeat. The new GI doctor is hopeful that we can stop the cycle.

My apologies, dad. I promised him that mom would be the star of the show. But in order to understand the magnitude of what my mom has done, you had to know what my dad has gone through. So let’s talk about everything my mom has done.

I’ve talked about marriages where one spouse has a chronic illness, where it can’t be exactly a 50-50 marriage. Like almost all married couples, mom and dad went before a preacher and made promises to each other (and God, in our faith) that they would be with each other “for better or worse, in sickness and health, until death do us part”. A catastrophic illness like cancer puts that to the test. It yanks at that link that holds couples together, and frequently breaks that link. Many times, the healthy spouse can’t handle the situation and takes off. They can’t handle the stress and pain of seeing their spouse go downhill. The bonds break. I think many people would look at them as taking the easy way out, and in many ways that’s very true. I think it is also a mistake to negate the stress they are under. Some people snap under stress easier than others, and most of the time we don’t know how strong we are until we are forced to it. Then some of us shine. Others break under the strain.

My mom is clearly made of sterner stuff than that.

A marriage where one of the spouses suffers a blow like cancer becomes like no other. I spoke earlier about 50/50 marriages but in truth, that’s not what marriage is. Each partner in a good marriage gives 100% apiece. That’s why my parents have been married 48 years now. They give everything they have to one another. They are everything a marriage should be. Then cancer struck for the third time in their marriage. Mom’s battle and dad’s first battle are nothing compared to the battle being waged with small cell lung cancer. Suddenly everything looks different. Marriage is no longer 100/100. One spouse has to focus on their very survival, and the other is taking care of everything imaginable. Suddenly, one spouse seems to be carrying the burden of everything, and the sick spouse is left feeling vulnerable to their illness, and then an overwhelming load of guilt and feeling like a burden.

When dad got cancer again, my mom not only showed how tough she was, but she showed faith that I still cannot imagine and pray to God that I could have. If she broke down, we never saw it. Her burden became unimaginably heavy. She was and still is my dad’s support and rock throughout it all. She suddenly is not only his wife, but his caretaker, nurse, and responsible for everything that happens in the house. Mom never flinched. She put her faith in God that everything would turn out fine, and got down to business. Not only did she do all the nuts-and-bolts things like doctor’s appointments, take care of everything around the house, and all the physical burdens that would normally be shared by dad, but dealt with her own emotional turmoil while helping dad cope with the diagnosis and potential that he could lose the fight. She was there every step of the way, from every chemo infusion to every night in the hospital at his side. My dad felt guilty about the burden he put on her, but she wouldn’t have it any other way, as long as he lived. Keep in mind also, that my mom has her own chronic illness, some of which she got from cancer. She isn’t exactly healthy, but she would do anything for love of my dad. And so she did. She would do it again.

Her absolute faith, her willingness to do anything necessary comes from the very deepest love a person could ever have for another. Anyone who has ever been given a fraction of that kind of love is lucky indeed, and my dad absolutely knows it.

I’m going to end this blog with two biblical quotes from the book of Proverbs that, in my opinion, my mom absolutely personifies. Before I do, I want to say this: I hope to God that Adam and I don’t ever have to deal with the struggles that mom and dad are still dealing with today. But if we do, I pray to God that the one that gets sick can meet it with the strength of my dad, and that the healthy one meets with with the strength of my mom. If we can, nothing in this life can separate us.

“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. “

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.” Proverbs 31: 10-12, 25-31.